Last day online for a while...

Well, as the title says. due to graduation an' evils of mother, my time here is dead until I get my own computer an' internet. I only need a credit card or all the cash up front... Anyone I talk to has either recieved an email,

I dunno much of what to say. Not like anyone reads this so... yeah. But fur God's sake. >.<

Hey, here's somethin' interestin': If ya search "shadowgx" on Google you get a bunch of things by me but also a lot of crap by other people... Idiots...

Guess that's a bout it. If I figure out more to say I'll add it later. Bye for a while. =[

~SGX

Been a while...

I haven't been on here in a while so I thought I'd post some recent things just in case anyone actually reads this anymore.

First thing I'll start with is I gots me a new bf. Yay? Yay. But nay! Why? I'll explain... See, he answered all my intro question perfectly, so I said we may as well be together. Then I ask more questions of which some I meant to ask before an' furgot. He answers most fantastically, a couple were iffy, then one was bad. I asked 'im the same questions I always ask. The question he didn't do so good on an' that most guys never answer is the following; If you could imagine the perfect date, how would it be? The answer: Serious an' straight forward. None of that flirtin' around stuff. =| I like to flirt... at least once I'm comfy with someone. If my paranoia bodes correct as it has many times in the past, he's one of them serious non-flirty types. I told myself maybe he can grow into it after time, an' for the sake of the relationship he better be able to. I'll need cuddles an' lil flirts to feel loved. Not necessarily all that Romeo an' Juliet stuff, but a lil romance isn't bad... I dream of it in fact...

So far that's the only problem, besides the time issues. He hasn't had much time online lately. My paranoia an' evidence has suggested he's been lyin' to me 'bout his MSN not workin' as well. The evidence: he recently exposed in a thread in General Chat on Super Cheats that he had just gotten 20 or so adds on MSN in one day. Accordin' to him his MSN has not been workin' for a long time. Then there was this one convenience... I got on durin' computer tech class, he was on, I say "hi". He's all like "I've got this dude harassin' me so I gotta go". Until now I thought nothin' of it. Perhaps he's avoidin' direct conversation with me for some reason? O.o The only reason I can think of is I distract him from SC. He did mention that once before we went out... We do talk by email, once there was 3 a day. That was lovely...

I don't love 'im so it's not that huge a deal, I'm just sick of bein' lied to... Another thing that bothers me, when I was settin' up all the rules for 'im an' told 'im he couldn't have an offline gf too he said "Oh, well I better forget about gettin' that one girl..." Which states he had plans for another while with me. Loyalty is another thing I really need from a man.

The question here; am I desperate enough that I'd lay down some of my strongest needs just to be with someone whom can stand bein' with me? It's been a month from Thursday. Longest so far was 2. Shortest was a week unless you count that Brandon thing... who's still on the idjit list though it wasn't ever "relationshipized". I'm not sure what to do, but most of me is sayin' wait it out. Guess I may as well, I ain't got n one else who wants me... Patience is key.

I was uber sick the other day too. My mum said it was bronchitis. Thank God it's over 'cause it really really hurt to do anythin' an' I didn't wanna have to go to the emergency room an' take antibiotics... >~<

That does it for this issue I suppose... I'll try an' keep more up to date, if not for anythin' but a vent. The lack of Jafflet is not good...

~SGX

To Brandon...

I haven't posted here in a while... I feel there are things I need to explain. If I hold it back any longer I'll blow. Not because of you, I just have issues an' I need to vent...

Well, where to start. We've... I've... already been through the "sorry" thing. But now for my mind's sake, you need to know things. Attempt to understand... It's not the fact that you weren't around much that fateful week, it's just the fact that... Okay, it did have somethin' to do with it. What bothered me most is that when I needed to talk to you, you was fightin' with a friend. The lovely response I got, "Not right now", indicated you only thought that "Hi. ^^" meant let's do "stuff". Then what went through my brain? Another quote from your mouth: "I'm not ready for a relationship." Then what was all that crap for? Just for fun? Don't get me wrong, it was fun. But it felt like that's all I was to you. When that feeling set in, I caved to the evils inside me an yeah, called ya gay. Wasn't the best choice, but it was either that or someone dies. I got really attached to you 'cause of what we did, an' then to realize it wasn't the same for you... Wether you like it or not it was considered a relationship. You don't make-out like that an' not expect some form of connection to occur. Well, unless you get yurself a good whore, which you better not be implyin' that I am, though I feel dirty as one now.

Regardless of what happened what we had was gonna have to be ended anyhow. That's what I needed to talk to you about. I needed to lay it all down on the table an' say quit or make yurself ready for a relationship. It just isn't fair to do all those things an' let me attach knowin' you'd never feel the same. It had to end. It just had to. My heart was fallin' apart then, an' has fully died now. NEVER have I done what I did with you to anyone else. I let you in deeper than anyone else. Feelin' like only yur toy hurt. Really hurt. You think bein' called gay was bad? You know nothin' of pain until you've had yur heart smashed up a bunch of times. Feelin' so stupid for trustin' another with yur heart an' watchin' as they take a hammer an' laugh as they smash it. I could call you all the names in the book an' it'd never feel the same.

So yeah, called ya gay. Get over it. You know yur not, I know yur not, no one who knows you saw me say it but a couple of my close friends whom all hate you now anyways. Until the day you fall in love with someone or care for someone the way I did you an' trust them with all you have then watch them fade away from you, you'll never know... never know the pain...

~SGX

^^

A good day I had on Saturday, the 13th. This is a late post yes, but I've not had much time lately. =[ Anyways, It was a fantastic day for the following reasons: I got to snack, I got to drink lots of pop, an' best of all I got to hang with my buddies online for a long time. ^^ That is my idea of the perfect day... This day had a limit however. It's called midnight. I was s'posed to be offline by then, an' when it came to be 3 AM an' I was still on, mommy was not a t all happy. She tok away Sunday. Sunday was a borin' day...

Then Monday rolled by. It was s'posed to be a good day, but neded up neutral. Pity... Now today. Another neutral day. Yay.

That's my short but sweet post. Hope ya enjoyed...

~SGX

All alone again...

Well, just here to say I've lost both of my closest friends. I blame my personality disorder, my mother, an' Bill Gates.

Quick summary I give you for I have to go shower soon. Sir Nuno likes to talk on ze telephone instead of spendin' 1 hour with me. Now is that what a "bestest special buddy ever" does? I don't think so. Today, so far, he's been on the phone for 3, almost 4 hours. Either he's lyin' with his status set to avoid me, forgot to change his status an' will use it as a lame excuse if we ever talk again, or has some really important phone call that lasts a really long time. I suspect he has a girly an' doesn't wanna tell me for fear I'll flip. Ya, I'll flip but I'll get over it. If it weren't for my time limit I wouldn't care so damn much.

The other, sir Marky, likes to argue. I do not. I block.

I've got a couple new people I might be able to get close to who won't force me into situations I hate or ignore me. Maybe they'll stick... I'm desperate here. >.< I hate bein' all alone...

~SGX

Frustration

Today I fully realized the extent of my failure. Because of the fact that I do fail, one of my closer friends will go to Hell. Because of the fact that I don't have the knowledge to present a decent argument to convince him other than "because I told you to", I fail him. He an' his lil friend, whom are both atheists packed with debate enough to confuse an' quiet me, will go to Hell. I fear I can't do anythin' to stop it that I haven't tried. No hard-core atheist is goin' down by my hand. God only knows why he gave me this impossible task. Maybe he just likes torturin' me. Maybe he thinks it's funny to make me watch 2 of my friends go to Hell for all eternity knowin' I coulda done somethin' if I wasn't so weak an' stupid. I kinda understand there hatred for wantin' to go Christian.

Ironically enough, I'm listenin' to "Stupify" by Disturbed while writin' this. Couldn't have come on at a more interestin' time... I feel rather stupified. All I know is one thing, FAIL. All that ever pops into my head right now is FAIL. I FAIL. I allow my friends to go to Hell an' still let them call me a good friend. FAIL. Because of the fact I'm stupid an' can't save them... "I can feel it all start slippin'. I think I'm breaking down..."

Then on top of those 2 I failed, I cannot provide any emotional stability in order to make my other friend happy. The poor kid has been put through Hell (no pun intended) by me an' my emotional disorders. Yet he still says I'm a good friend... How can a good friend put you through Hell an' expect you to be okay? Well, apparently all that makes you a good friend. I highly doubt my good qualities override my bad ones. I might be funny, I might provide for someone to talk to who will try to help, an' I might give out a lot. But I don't give out just love, no. I give out pain an' sufferin'. How can people stand me? I can't stand me. WTF is wrong with you remainin' idiots? Don't you see I hurt you? Don't you see?? Do you even care? Have you no heart for yourself? I just wanna die... Then no one would suffer 'cause of me anymore. Other things would hurt, but not me... Though Nuno, if what you said is indeed true, then I can't leave you all alone as I've feared you'd do to me. It'd be 2 things I hate, hypocritical an' selfish. I talk about how I want to help you, but if I die, you'll be sad. I'm sure though that you'd move on an' find a new friend to be close to, but until you do I guess I'll stick around... At least until I'm 30. I still stand by my "If alone at 30 I die" plan. I refuse to die alone unless by my own hand, not by God's refusal to let me be loved.

Yet another song for you: "Somewhere beyond happiness an' sadness, I need to calculate what creates my own madness." My favorite line from Papa Roach's "Getting Away With Murder". PWNAGE.

~SGX

Not sure how to feel... >.<

Well, when I get happy, somethin' comes an' ruins it. When I get pissy, somethin' either makes it worse, or temporarily better. Such is the case with current happenings on my favorite forum, SuperCheats...

There's a lil promo goin' on. New moderator spots called "Pro Mod". Happens to be that I got a spot, yes. But in return for this gain, I've gotten bitched at everyday since I got it, 'bout 2-3 days ago. Everyone complains 'cause I "whined" myself into this spot. Yet what are they doin'? Whinin'. That site stresses me out so much it's not even funny... Yet I love it. I've sacrificed so much for it... So yeah, I was a lil upset that no one knew how good I was at moddin'. People just... they suck. Simply put, they all suck. I hate people, only a few I do not despise with a passion. Those few, heh, well, I hurt them. But I've said that before. It's so hard not to let myself get worked up about things like this pro mod spot. I feel no recognition for the things I've done, the people I've hurt, the things I've given up, just to be there. It's like a second home to me. I hate my offline home, no one there cares. I felt like I belonged to SC, like I was important. Then to see that everythin' I've done has gone unnoticed 'cept by a couple of people, only because I don't post in the popular forums, angered me. So yes, I snapped. I "whined". But now people know about my accomplishments, still not the sacrifices though. They never will, they'd never understand so I can't tell them. I will prove to my haters that I can do this. They will be shocked when they realize I am a good mod, I wasn't just sayin' that.

So, with all of this plus the usual, I have no idea how to feel. Today an' yesterday I got a lot of extra time online, which made the happy easier. Then I miss my buddies because my computer sucks ass. I also go to SC an' get yelled at... Just when I think they're done people keep it goin'. No refuge. So I had to inquire the help of one of the mods of the Staff forum. Hopefully his threats will make them stop. I just can't take it any more...

~SGX