Fear the Shadow

Last day online for a while...

2007-05-24T12:49:00.000-05:00

Well, as the title says. due to graduation an' evils of mother, my time here is dead until I get my own computer an' internet. I only need a credit card or all the cash up front... Anyone I talk to has either recieved an email,

I dunno much of what to say. Not like anyone reads this so... yeah. But fur God's sake. >.<

Hey, here's somethin' interestin': If ya search "shadowgx" on Google you get a bunch of things by me but also a lot of crap by other people... Idiots...

Guess that's a bout it. If I figure out more to say I'll add it later. Bye for a while. =[

~SGX

Been a while...

2007-05-11T22:49:00.000-05:00

I haven't been on here in a while so I thought I'd post some recent things just in case anyone actually reads this anymore.

First thing I'll start with is I gots me a new bf. Yay? Yay. But nay! Why? I'll explain... See, he answered all my intro question perfectly, so I said we may as well be together. Then I ask more questions of which some I meant to ask before an' furgot. He answers most fantastically, a couple were iffy, then one was bad. I asked 'im the same questions I always ask. The question he didn't do so good on an' that most guys never answer is the following; If you could imagine the perfect date, how would it be? The answer: Serious an' straight forward. None of that flirtin' around stuff. =| I like to flirt... at least once I'm comfy with someone. If my paranoia bodes correct as it has many times in the past, he's one of them serious non-flirty types. I told myself maybe he can grow into it after time, an' for the sake of the relationship he better be able to. I'll need cuddles an' lil flirts to feel loved. Not necessarily all that Romeo an' Juliet stuff, but a lil romance isn't bad... I dream of it in fact...

So far that's the only problem, besides the time issues. He hasn't had much time online lately. My paranoia an' evidence has suggested he's been lyin' to me 'bout his MSN not workin' as well. The evidence: he recently exposed in a thread in General Chat on Super Cheats that he had just gotten 20 or so adds on MSN in one day. Accordin' to him his MSN has not been workin' for a long time. Then there was this one convenience... I got on durin' computer tech class, he was on, I say "hi". He's all like "I've got this dude harassin' me so I gotta go". Until now I thought nothin' of it. Perhaps he's avoidin' direct conversation with me for some reason? O.o The only reason I can think of is I distract him from SC. He did mention that once before we went out... We do talk by email, once there was 3 a day. That was lovely...

I don't love 'im so it's not that huge a deal, I'm just sick of bein' lied to... Another thing that bothers me, when I was settin' up all the rules for 'im an' told 'im he couldn't have an offline gf too he said "Oh, well I better forget about gettin' that one girl..." Which states he had plans for another while with me. Loyalty is another thing I really need from a man.

The question here; am I desperate enough that I'd lay down some of my strongest needs just to be with someone whom can stand bein' with me? It's been a month from Thursday. Longest so far was 2. Shortest was a week unless you count that Brandon thing... who's still on the idjit list though it wasn't ever "relationshipized". I'm not sure what to do, but most of me is sayin' wait it out. Guess I may as well, I ain't got n one else who wants me... Patience is key.

I was uber sick the other day too. My mum said it was bronchitis. Thank God it's over 'cause it really really hurt to do anythin' an' I didn't wanna have to go to the emergency room an' take antibiotics... >~<

That does it for this issue I suppose... I'll try an' keep more up to date, if not for anythin' but a vent. The lack of Jafflet is not good...

~SGX

To Brandon...

2007-03-05T23:02:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted here in a while... I feel there are things I need to explain. If I hold it back any longer I'll blow. Not because of you, I just have issues an' I need to vent...

Well, where to start. We've... I've... already been through the "sorry" thing. But now for my mind's sake, you need to know things. Attempt to understand... It's not the fact that you weren't around much that fateful week, it's just the fact that... Okay, it did have somethin' to do with it. What bothered me most is that when I needed to talk to you, you was fightin' with a friend. The lovely response I got, "Not right now", indicated you only thought that "Hi. ^^" meant let's do "stuff". Then what went through my brain? Another quote from your mouth: "I'm not ready for a relationship." Then what was all that crap for? Just for fun? Don't get me wrong, it was fun. But it felt like that's all I was to you. When that feeling set in, I caved to the evils inside me an yeah, called ya gay. Wasn't the best choice, but it was either that or someone dies. I got really attached to you 'cause of what we did, an' then to realize it wasn't the same for you... Wether you like it or not it was considered a relationship. You don't make-out like that an' not expect some form of connection to occur. Well, unless you get yurself a good whore, which you better not be implyin' that I am, though I feel dirty as one now.

Regardless of what happened what we had was gonna have to be ended anyhow. That's what I needed to talk to you about. I needed to lay it all down on the table an' say quit or make yurself ready for a relationship. It just isn't fair to do all those things an' let me attach knowin' you'd never feel the same. It had to end. It just had to. My heart was fallin' apart then, an' has fully died now. NEVER have I done what I did with you to anyone else. I let you in deeper than anyone else. Feelin' like only yur toy hurt. Really hurt. You think bein' called gay was bad? You know nothin' of pain until you've had yur heart smashed up a bunch of times. Feelin' so stupid for trustin' another with yur heart an' watchin' as they take a hammer an' laugh as they smash it. I could call you all the names in the book an' it'd never feel the same.

So yeah, called ya gay. Get over it. You know yur not, I know yur not, no one who knows you saw me say it but a couple of my close friends whom all hate you now anyways. Until the day you fall in love with someone or care for someone the way I did you an' trust them with all you have then watch them fade away from you, you'll never know... never know the pain...

~SGX

^^

2007-01-16T17:00:00.000-06:00

A good day I had on Saturday, the 13th. This is a late post yes, but I've not had much time lately. =[ Anyways, It was a fantastic day for the following reasons: I got to snack, I got to drink lots of pop, an' best of all I got to hang with my buddies online for a long time. ^^ That is my idea of the perfect day... This day had a limit however. It's called midnight. I was s'posed to be offline by then, an' when it came to be 3 AM an' I was still on, mommy was not a t all happy. She tok away Sunday. Sunday was a borin' day...

Then Monday rolled by. It was s'posed to be a good day, but neded up neutral. Pity... Now today. Another neutral day. Yay.

That's my short but sweet post. Hope ya enjoyed...

~SGX

All alone again...

2007-01-10T19:22:00.000-06:00

Well, just here to say I've lost both of my closest friends. I blame my personality disorder, my mother, an' Bill Gates.

Quick summary I give you for I have to go shower soon. Sir Nuno likes to talk on ze telephone instead of spendin' 1 hour with me. Now is that what a "bestest special buddy ever" does? I don't think so. Today, so far, he's been on the phone for 3, almost 4 hours. Either he's lyin' with his status set to avoid me, forgot to change his status an' will use it as a lame excuse if we ever talk again, or has some really important phone call that lasts a really long time. I suspect he has a girly an' doesn't wanna tell me for fear I'll flip. Ya, I'll flip but I'll get over it. If it weren't for my time limit I wouldn't care so damn much.

The other, sir Marky, likes to argue. I do not. I block.

I've got a couple new people I might be able to get close to who won't force me into situations I hate or ignore me. Maybe they'll stick... I'm desperate here. >.< I hate bein' all alone...

~SGX

Frustration

2007-01-05T18:51:00.000-06:00

Today I fully realized the extent of my failure. Because of the fact that I do fail, one of my closer friends will go to Hell. Because of the fact that I don't have the knowledge to present a decent argument to convince him other than "because I told you to", I fail him. He an' his lil friend, whom are both atheists packed with debate enough to confuse an' quiet me, will go to Hell. I fear I can't do anythin' to stop it that I haven't tried. No hard-core atheist is goin' down by my hand. God only knows why he gave me this impossible task. Maybe he just likes torturin' me. Maybe he thinks it's funny to make me watch 2 of my friends go to Hell for all eternity knowin' I coulda done somethin' if I wasn't so weak an' stupid. I kinda understand there hatred for wantin' to go Christian.

Ironically enough, I'm listenin' to "Stupify" by Disturbed while writin' this. Couldn't have come on at a more interestin' time... I feel rather stupified. All I know is one thing, FAIL. All that ever pops into my head right now is FAIL. I FAIL. I allow my friends to go to Hell an' still let them call me a good friend. FAIL. Because of the fact I'm stupid an' can't save them... "I can feel it all start slippin'. I think I'm breaking down..."

Then on top of those 2 I failed, I cannot provide any emotional stability in order to make my other friend happy. The poor kid has been put through Hell (no pun intended) by me an' my emotional disorders. Yet he still says I'm a good friend... How can a good friend put you through Hell an' expect you to be okay? Well, apparently all that makes you a good friend. I highly doubt my good qualities override my bad ones. I might be funny, I might provide for someone to talk to who will try to help, an' I might give out a lot. But I don't give out just love, no. I give out pain an' sufferin'. How can people stand me? I can't stand me. WTF is wrong with you remainin' idiots? Don't you see I hurt you? Don't you see?? Do you even care? Have you no heart for yourself? I just wanna die... Then no one would suffer 'cause of me anymore. Other things would hurt, but not me... Though Nuno, if what you said is indeed true, then I can't leave you all alone as I've feared you'd do to me. It'd be 2 things I hate, hypocritical an' selfish. I talk about how I want to help you, but if I die, you'll be sad. I'm sure though that you'd move on an' find a new friend to be close to, but until you do I guess I'll stick around... At least until I'm 30. I still stand by my "If alone at 30 I die" plan. I refuse to die alone unless by my own hand, not by God's refusal to let me be loved.

Yet another song for you: "Somewhere beyond happiness an' sadness, I need to calculate what creates my own madness." My favorite line from Papa Roach's "Getting Away With Murder". PWNAGE.

~SGX

Not sure how to feel... >.<

2006-12-17T00:13:00.000-06:00

Well, when I get happy, somethin' comes an' ruins it. When I get pissy, somethin' either makes it worse, or temporarily better. Such is the case with current happenings on my favorite forum, SuperCheats...

There's a lil promo goin' on. New moderator spots called "Pro Mod". Happens to be that I got a spot, yes. But in return for this gain, I've gotten bitched at everyday since I got it, 'bout 2-3 days ago. Everyone complains 'cause I "whined" myself into this spot. Yet what are they doin'? Whinin'. That site stresses me out so much it's not even funny... Yet I love it. I've sacrificed so much for it... So yeah, I was a lil upset that no one knew how good I was at moddin'. People just... they suck. Simply put, they all suck. I hate people, only a few I do not despise with a passion. Those few, heh, well, I hurt them. But I've said that before. It's so hard not to let myself get worked up about things like this pro mod spot. I feel no recognition for the things I've done, the people I've hurt, the things I've given up, just to be there. It's like a second home to me. I hate my offline home, no one there cares. I felt like I belonged to SC, like I was important. Then to see that everythin' I've done has gone unnoticed 'cept by a couple of people, only because I don't post in the popular forums, angered me. So yes, I snapped. I "whined". But now people know about my accomplishments, still not the sacrifices though. They never will, they'd never understand so I can't tell them. I will prove to my haters that I can do this. They will be shocked when they realize I am a good mod, I wasn't just sayin' that.

So, with all of this plus the usual, I have no idea how to feel. Today an' yesterday I got a lot of extra time online, which made the happy easier. Then I miss my buddies because my computer sucks ass. I also go to SC an' get yelled at... Just when I think they're done people keep it goin'. No refuge. So I had to inquire the help of one of the mods of the Staff forum. Hopefully his threats will make them stop. I just can't take it any more...

~SGX

Someone will die...

2006-12-11T15:37:00.000-06:00

Well last night I went to the liberty of putting call waiting on my computer so as to tell me when a phone call came in. This was supposed to allow me more time since my parent's excuses are simply that the dial-up ties up the phone line. I was all excited when I got it to work. They even seemed happy because there would be no more fighting about if someone was tryin' to call while I was online. Everyone was happy, they even let me believed the problem was solved. But today it all fell apart... I get home today to settle down to a nice long conversation with my lovely buddies here. When I get home, I'm surprised to find the office door is locked. My mother orders my father to allow me in with his key. While I am waitin' to be let in, my mother puts in a nice little detail she forgot to mention amongst last nights excitement: "You do realize you still only get one hour?" O.O I stare at her for a few seconds an ask "what? I fixed the phone line problem!!!" She says "we had a deal, you still only get one hour a night. It's only for fun, you don't need more than one hour a night." Again, I stare. She continues this argument as I try my hardest to figure out the issue. I'm just not allowed friends. If my mother truly cared about my happiness, she'd see that there honestly isn't a problem with me bein' online. If people need to make a phone call or use the other computer for internet, I will gladly get off so they may do so. If a call comes in, I planned on gettin' off so people could talk. Now I've disabled call waitin' again so any bitches that try to call can suck my non-existant dick 'cause I don't give a fuck anymore. It's not hurtin' anyone by me bein' here, in fact it keeps me sane. I've finally found somewhere to belong an' she screws me over AGAIN!!!

On another point, I am continually proven that I have very few friends. I'm now down to one that truly cares. I've been fooled so horribly by one. Too busy for me he says. Amazing, the one night I really need to vent an' my so called "bestest buddy ever" is too busy. I have only one person who tries no matter what to make me feel better now. Really it's all I need. The rest of you can suck my non-existant dick too 'cause I don't give a fuck about you either! Go to Hell!!!

Oh, an' on another note: No more Shadow. She's too nice to you people. Gives you too much credit. It'd Demon's turn. We're sick of people gettin' close to us an' slappin' us in the face when we need them most. So as I said, all but that one go to Hell.

~DGX

Let the darkness cover you...

2006-12-05T18:36:00.000-06:00

Well, today was crap. The morning started out with me wakin' up to my brother singing. I HATE his voice. Everyone thinks he's so great, but I disagree. 'Specially when yur tryin' to wake up on the right side of the bed... Then I actually force myself out of bed a bit late. I was tired... It takes me roughly 10 minutes to be fully ready if I sleep in my gym clothes, which I wear under my normal clothes to avoid changin' in front of girls I don't know. I gave myself 7 minutes. I was a tad rushed.

School seemed to drag on more than usual... However gym class brought up some "excitement". O.O Gym? Exciting? Never! But today was a bit different... See, we've been doin' yoga an' Pilates for the past week or so. Both are gay an' stupid an' I just sit there. Today the gym was dark... there were people in there... unsuspecting, innocent people... whom I all hate... the urge to slice them all into bits was eating at me. I was also wearin' black... nice, warm, comfy, dark black. Oh, an' it gets even better. One of the guys, who is totally out of my league, that I think is so fuckin' hot actually showed up for class today. ^^ Dark gym, dark clothes, dead people and blood all over the floor, hot guy... Yeah, the only thing that coulda made it better was an MDX an' a workin' battery for Mr. PSP. The teacher eventually turned the lights partially on, but by then I was in the zone. The part where we actually worked was still rather dark... The whole school has been dark lately. I think they're tryin' to conserve electricity. Works for me! xP

Then the rest of the day sucks. I got to more classes. I'm kinda behind on a few things... Then we go to computer tech class. Boring yes, but at least I got internet. ^^ It wasn't much however. We had to go over some borin' crap an' read from our books on the different levels of memory an' the system file himem.sys... I remembered it's name!!! wOOt! =] Ahhh... yeah... Tomorrow I get to bring in my compy for the teacher to look at. Hopefully he makes it work. >.> Then I go home after a classicly boring bus ride...

My time today, as will be on all Tuesdays an' a few other days which take thought to remember, was cut short. I got a mere 45 minutes, but I did manage to sneak in about 10-15 more than I was meant to get. This irritated me. On top of that, some people have evil parents who are just out to smite me. They like to tell their children to take half an hour breaks when I only have less than half an hour left. But, as I said, I snuck a few extra minutes so I at least got to say bye... But my god, it's like people want to get on my hit list. It's NOT a good place to be. I'm not mentally stable. If I say you will die, chances are yur gonna die at my hands at some point in yur life. I got suspended from school once because I made a hit list but wasn't good about hidin' it... >.> Some kid took it out of my mouth... He was one of the designated victims... I have yet to make a complete list, but this boy an' the father whom enjoys killin' my last ounce of sanity are on it.

Because of the preceeding occurances I had trouble controlling my anger. I almost let loose with ZR an' that woulda not been perdy. She already had enough fun with the whole gym scenarion, tearing at our skin. It's not that painful really, kinda pleasurable actually... You can still see the scars from the first time she attacked our arm. We only allowed her a litle damage this time, you don't wanna start to randomly rip at yurself in public veiwin' an' then lick the blood off. Odd reactions... I'd rather do it in the silence of my room where we can let her go until we think we've done just enough to not sturr up rumors or trouble. Then we can lick all the blood off it we want... Hehehe... yummy... >x]

Well, guess that does it. Yay...

~SGX

GRR.

2006-12-01T18:01:00.000-06:00

Today we here in the "lovely" state of Michigan had a blizzard. I got to miss school. Yay? No. This day I wished to conform to the idiocy of school. How is this possible? My computer, the one I use everyday for the purpose of "sanity survival" was to be somewhat repaired. Guess where? School. What was cancelled due to the effects of a blizzard? SCHOOL!!!

Amongst other shit, I feel like shit. Why? The blizzard sure helped it... I just don't feel like I matter to anyone. I mean, people say it but how many actually mean it? It's been proven to me in the past that words aren't enough. Many have said "I love you" or "you mean the world to me" or the classic "I'll do anything for you" or even more classic "I'll do whatever makes you happy". All bull shit. Lies. All lies. All these things have been said but they all have limits, which makes them all lies. When one says they would do anything for you, you would think they meant it. I found it's not true. In fact, no one would. No one would do "whatever makes me happy". They say it, but when the time comes to prove it or I make a decision that is not liked, that all of a sudden becomes a simple sentence an' not a promise. Yet I try so hard to make others happy... Why should I do it all? Why should I not care about me an' let people use me for whatever they think I'm good for, be it stuff or attention, or somethin' to vent to?

I give up. Bein' ignored for a long period of time really bothers me. It still happens. The same people who repeatedly say that they just want me to be happy can't do what I need. Well, it's not that they can't it's just that they don't want to. It takes too much effort, or too much of their own time, or too much money, or too much... whatever. Yet if someone were to ask me a favor, were to need something, I'd find a way (as I have in the past) to do what is needed to grant happiness on this person. Putting my own feelings aside, I do it. Well, no more. It's time for me to think about me an' no one else. Selfish? Exaclty. Now yur gettin' it. It's gonna be all about me now. Screw all of you 'cause none of you give a fuck. If you do, yur lousy at showin' it. Simply sayin' it isn't doin' it, if you haven't noticed by now. I'm miserable an' it's because I drive myself to be here with you idiots. Why should I try so hard to be with people who don't know what to do with me? I shouldn't. It makes no sense. So, I shall stop tryin'. It only hurts when I can't be here an' when I get here it's a quick "hi, how are you?" then the convo ends. Either that or it's reduced to idiotic emotes like =/... I hate that emote. Know what it says to me? "I don't care about the conversation. You can continue if you want, I'll just sit back an' wait 'cause I don't have to worry 'bout time limits." It also says that I'm not important enough to talk to, or the lovely "meh". I hate "meh". Know what that says to me? Same as above except plainer: "I don't care". That's what it's meant to say. I've asked around an' most of the people I've asked have said that "meh" is associated with "I don't care" in some form or another. Everyone has their own meanings for "meh" or stupid emotes, but it's the majority I go on.

So, I'm goin' to try my hardest to let go of you people. None of you can do anything, maybe even if you wanted to. It's not reasonable to ask you to do so either. To give up your time or patience to deal with me. Therefore, if you do not see me often it's because I've stopped fighting my mother to get online. It's because I don't care an' neither should you.

~SGX

La...

2006-11-28T19:45:00.000-06:00

Well, the past few days have been shitty. I've found I have very little to live for. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I've contemplated suicide again. I would but another would die if I did so I can't do it. Though a day or so ago it may not have mattered... Why did I hesitate? All I had to do was fetch a knife an' it woulda all been over. What is it that held me back from ending it? It's not like any of my online friends would have known. I mean, you guys probably would have noticed somethin' was wrong when I didn't show for a whole week, no emails or anything. After a whole month with nothin' you woulda been able to conclude suicide if you know me in the least bit.

Back to the question at hand: why did I hesitate? I feel I must direct the answer to my lil buddy whom is a tad hard-headed about the whole "God" thing. You know who you are. xP What I believe held me back was not a "will to live", don't gimme that bull shit. I ain't got one. Nor was it the savin' of your life, sorry. At that moment all I had to do was get up an' I woulda had the will power to jab a knife through my throat, head, slit my wrist, whatever. What stopped me was the nagging "what if" sense. Whom decided to provide this at the one moment when I know I could have ended it? Yeah, that's right, God. Or, my "guardian angel", so to speak. They simply whispere it in my ear every time I get to the point that I know I can do it. Once I even had the knife in hand, I simply needed to apply a bit more pressure.

Now I am to point out something else. You say that if it weren't for me you'd have killed yurself already. Well, I believe God stuck me right in the way of yur suicidle plots. If I had not decided to befriend you in the way I did when I did, you may not be alive. It's not yur time to go yet. So blame God if you must, but I'm thankful yur here. Yur one of the few that help me keep my sanity an' I need you alive an' well. Think about what you have, not what you don't an' maybe you'll see things differently. I'm not one who can talk though, just Monday night I screamed at God to make it better. Sure, it's not gonna come right away, but I got on last night an' was cheered up. It wasn't as soon as I got on but eventually I calmed down an' was made happy again. ^^ So, as I've told you many many many times now, give it time! Trust me on this, if you don't you will regret it. It's taken me 3-4 years to gain some control an' a bit of a grip on life. I cannot allow you to make horrible mistakes. I can't let one of my best friends go to the worst place you can't even imagine for all eternity. I feel I don't have much time either. I promise you one thing, I WILL save you. You will be up there with me an' yur gonna like it. I always keep my promises...

On to my venting: Yesterday the stalker boy (whom I talked about in earler posts) decided to "poke attack" me, which is by the way my signature move. Fag... He also decided to threaten my access to Mr. PSP. This threat was enough to make me endure about 15 minutes of pokes from his filthy hands, and from a roll of garbage bags he hid behind the pop machines. You read correctly. He then got nicer towards lunch an' I assume the cookie he bought me was an "I'm sorry" gift. Again some ass hole brought up how me an' stalker boy should "hook up". Luckily sir stalker knows I don't want him so he usually defends whilst I remain silent. He usually uses the same ol' come back: "No, she won't go out with me." The idiot asks "Well why not? You two would be so good together." *Insert annoying laugh an' snicker here* I glare an' whisper evil things under my breath. Stalky replies "She just doesn't want to". Damn straight I don't want to! Did I ever say why? Here's the list:
1. He's obsessed with porn. I can't stand that.
2. He told me his dick size an' I'm very dissapointed. Actually, he told the whole lunchroom. O.o It's not somethin' he should be proud of...
3. His hands are nasty. They're all caluses (spelling?). They smell really bad too. All moist an' icky. >~< I'm one who likes touch. If I don't like yur hands yur not touchin' me.
4. He can't stand when people want to talk about themselves. When one goes to tell him soemthin' he either ignores or says straight up "I don't care". Yes, he has done that to me. I hate bein' ignored. I hate not bein' able to talk to people. I love to vent. It's gotta be about me at one point or another or yur goin' down.
5. He thinks he can buy me. With the PSP, always gettin' me food, buyin' me whole cases of pop, free (copied) DVDs... the list can go on. I'm not to be bought. I want love, not stuff. But he can't manage that. -_- FAIL.

Another complaint! Yes, big post for you today Mr. Bloggy. ^^ More men. Figures eh? xD Well, there's this ass hole on my bus. He thinks he's a hot-shot so he picks on us quiet folk. You would think that after 8 years on the same bus as me he would know by now you don't poke fun at me. He consistantly does so anyhow. My favorite one is the time he through a bottle an' said sorry, then while pickin' it up purposely smacked me in the head with it. Yesterday he copied me. That's another thing that really irritates me. As I was gettin' off the bus I flipped 'im of an' so did my lil bro, whom is only 9 I might add. Poor kid is so destroyed... You can blame a lot of that on me an' TV/ video games.

A breakthrough! I've decided I'm gonna attempt (again) to not need people. This means you will see a less clingy version of me. ^^ Good for you all, then again bad. If I do ever vent, there will be so much bottled up. But, this is what alter egos are for. xP Those of you who have not met Syke get to. Get used to it those who have an' do not like.

~SGX

Small Bout of Depression

2006-11-17T19:12:00.000-06:00

Small? Okay, I lied. I'm majorly depressed. I really hate bein' ignored an' when even yur best buddies ignore you, that's hittin' hard. Bad enough 50/ 62 of my larger MSN's contacts ignore me, but then my best buddies do. Interesting... These are the folks whom said how great I am yet they have nothin' to say to me? Try as they say, I say lies. I find out by pushin' them to the limits that they really do have things to talk about, I'm just not worthy of those conversations. Stab me in the heart why don'tcha. Oh wait, you already did! I want to hear wht you idiots have to say! Be it complaints, story of yur day, life happenings, am I the only one who shares things? It's all fine an' dandy when Shad shares, but when she asks others to share, door closure. Thanks guys, I love you too.

~SGX

Good news to kill off a bit of the bad...

2006-11-14T16:18:00.000-06:00

Well I got a bit o' good news blah blah blah... I have fixed an' not only mended but improved upon the friendship that I was afraid had been lost due to the events in the last post. We talked an' we've come to an agreement on things. We suck as bf/ gf online, but best buddies we own at. It seems that it be the pressure that hurt it. So for now it's just really realyl close friends, all the benefits of the relationship but without the commitment. Of course if he was to get a gf we would stop 'cause it'd be considered cheating. I couldn't do that. I also believe that we would be so much better offline 'cause of the fact that I'm more self-sufficient an' if I want some attention I'll just up an' take it. xP So calme he be too, it's not possible to irritate him unless you try really hard or sick a certain couple of egos on him. O.o Sweet kid. ^^ I bet we'd be fine offline, but until then the "freinds with benefits" thing will have to suffice yes. =]

In other news to take away from the happy, people cannot be trusted with information! How so? Well I told a new buddy some things, he blew it all out of proportion an' might get my really good buddy de-admined on SC. This proves my theory about my current trust issues, some people just cannot be trusted. So, I lowered him a rank in my team an' I ain't ever tallin' him nothin' again. This also fucks up his chances of gettin' on my speacial MSN. Only people I know I can trust get to be on that one. Not him!

~SGX

Better? No, but it can get worse!

2006-11-11T20:09:00.000-06:00

It's been a while no? Yeah, I'm sorry I ever left you Mr. Bloggy. Yur the only one who truly listens an' won't be upset if I vent to you. Here it goes...

Yesterday I lost yet another man. How do I manage to do this? I demand too much from them. From this I learn one thing; I'm not worth it. No one can ever give me all I need when it comes to love. What be it that I need? Attention, I despise being ignored. Someone to care unconditionally. A person whom can recognize when I need a big hug then do it without fear, and when I need to be shown I matter. A shoulder to cry on, arms to cuddle up in an' feel safe from all that hurts. Bit of romance in there too. Lots would be preferred.

This doesn't sound too difficult no? But that's where yur wrong. See, I imagine myself as a mountain. On the top is a huge pot of gold, priceless. Not one person knows of this amazing treasure, which possibly makes the journey less desireable. On the way to the top of this mountain there are many struggles, perhaps not worth the reward. These struggles include the unbareable dealing of my 15 egos. This puts much pressure on the climber, like freezing wind nipping at you. Other obsticals include clingyness. My need for attention not only annoys many but makes the person on the other end feel as though there is no escape or cure for the madness other than to run.

The prize however, I believe, is well worth the struggle. Within this treasure includes a huge heart, a bit tattered an' torn, dirty and in need of cleaning. Much work yes. It will take a strong heart to fix the mutilated one I have now. Once glued an' taped back together it's an amazing heart with so much love inside you wouldn't imagine. This is the love of which I described above that I expect, all that an' more. I could care less about myself so I look to others for that "special feeling". Many others are so self-absorbed an' worried about their own feelings it can't ever balance out how much I despise myself. I'm not sayin' I need someone who hates himself, but I need someone who can put themselves second, while I put them first. I give too much an' get too little an' I expect to receive how much I put out. It doesn't happen.

All so far have given up. Some lasted longer than others, none have survived... Will anyone ever win? I doubt it. Hence my new approach to keep my mouth shut an' all feelings inside. I tell myself this now but I know it won't work. Things bother me, I say things, I lose people/ gain them temporarily, I push people too far, I remain alone. The heart becomes crumpled up an' smashed repeatedly and there is only so much it can take until it's unfixable.

This I speak to all while attempting to hold back tears and calm myself. I feel my life fading away bit by bit an' no one's here to catch me. Never will I have one to catch me so it's only a matter of time until I hit the ground.

~SGX

A better day? I think not!

2006-11-03T23:44:00.000-06:00

Well, if the title doesn't say it all I will. ^^ I'm happy. Why? I give you in list form! I like lists...

1. I've got almost unlimited internet.
2. This means I get to talk to those I care for most, you people. =]
3. I get to be with my family and have you guys. Makes for a great match.
4. I GOT A BF!!! O.o wOOt! ^^ Calm... I can't be calm, I'm happy damnit!!! ^^ An' I haven't driven him crazy within the past half an hour yet! Hopefully he lasts more than 2 months 'cause that'd rock.

Short but sweet. Just how we like it nowadays.

~SGX

Driven to extremes...

2006-10-30T18:33:00.000-06:00

This extreme I speak of is moving back in with my parents. O.O You read it right. Back to Hell #1. It's either that or I kill the lady whom dictates over the current living situation. How come I do this now, not sooner? She went too far this time...

I'm now grounded off the computer for one month. That's right, another month. Not only did she take computer but she took my GBA and CD players. Headphones an' all too. She took it overboard. nothin' to keep me sane but PSP which she almost took. So close it wasn't even funny. I managed to trick 'er out though. I'da gone insane if she woulda taken it. I tried to contact my other friend but he wasn't home at the time, an' today when I asked it was still a "no". So, I am forced to join my family back at home for the rest of eternity. Well, not eternity, but they are actually gonna let me get a job. I'm thinkin' that if I do really good an' help out I may be able to convince them to let me put internet on our other computer for me. ^^ This is fantastic news for those of you whom love me. I can get internet on it for free from the provider I used while I was alone for that 2 weeks in July. If anything they may let me use there's. This is a good/ bad day for me. I'm gettin' free but at the same time bein' locked down again. There is more opening where I'm returnin' yes, but the same problems may still linger after my 3 month leave.

~SGX

A list of things that make me "upset"...

2006-10-22T19:35:00.000-05:00

Ahh, the day has come upon us that Shaddy is to make a list of things that piss her off. >.< I shoulda done this a while ago an' printed it off... Damn work ethic an' it's suckiness...

1. People. But not just any people, the people whom like to push me around when it's very unnecessary.

2. More people. This category covers the lovely dictators with whom I now live with. The one who is the mother of my friend isn't so bad. But the mother of my friend's mother (aka grammy) is the true ruler of this here domain folks. This lady controls what is not her own, even when it never pertains to her needing to control it. Take the mother's house. We have a computer here, which I'm on at the moment. This computer is also off limits, even if the owner of the computer an' since it's my goddamned free internet says it's okay! FUCK HER IN HER GODDAMNED PORKY ASS!!! That felt good. >:]

3. Luck. Ahahahaha... luck. -_-

4. Cash an' the lack thereof. (I need to get out of here!!!)

5. Food. For some reason food no longer comforts me when I need comfort which seems to be a lot.

6. My new kitten. The damn cat never shuts up. NEVER. It's either eatin', drinkin', shittin', pissin', or screamin' it's (insert many words i'm too lazy to type here) head off!!! Grrr an' a half...

7. Bein' ignored. I HATE bein' ignored. I smite thee whom dare ignore me an' let me wallow in my self pity to die whilst without food an' cat screechin' in my ear.

8. Drugs an' further lack thereof. I think I'm gonna start as soon as I can figure out how to get them without buyin' 'em or dyin' while stealin' 'em. Soon as I hit 21 I'm goin' alcoholic.

9. Life.

10. I think I said it but... life.

This may seem like the last list but look, I put life in it this time an' elaborated many parts. ^^ I just felt like another list so shut up! It's my blog an' I'll do what I wish with it.

~SGX

Whilst art thou 2 of my bestest buddies have left me I feelith alone. One went to people for a whole week. The other got himself a compy virus so hasn't been able to get online for over 2 weeks now. >.< If I had money... I miss them yes. Dunno what to do with myself right now but I think I'll survive a tad longer.

I ish a suicidle maniac kitty!!!

2006-10-17T15:52:00.000-05:00

Those of you whom talk to me on MSN have seen that title before. Not the exact wording but I like both. ^.^ For those of you who actually do care and want to help me, I have a lil poem for you. There are a couple (about 3) of you who care at this level, so this is for you. Enjoy my friends...

Heart of the shadow
burning with hate.
Full of fear,
yet dreaming of love.
Sanity fades,
tears remain.
No arms to hide in,
no shoulder to cry on,
no one to run to,
no home from pain,
no peace from anger,
no body to stop the thoughts that reign.
Evil holding the soul.
Need a way to escape.
Death seeming so sweet.
Yet too many things,
too many people,
even when distant feel so near.
Find a way to relieve the pain,
find the arms, the shoulder, the home.
So close to freedom,
but so much is in the way...

You my little buddies keep me sane. Without you I seriously doubt I'd still be alive right now. I probably would've killed myself last year. My internet life may have caused me pain, but at the same time it's been the greatest reprieve from the stress caused by the life I attempt to endure. Unfortunately, I have no offline friends who aren't so absorbed in their own lives that they may take the time to care about mine. I told one of them about how I wanted to die an' she simply told me not to an' if I did she'd bring me back just to kill me again. Yeah, makes me wanna live right? The only reason I do wanna live is so that I can talk to those who I am denied on a regular basis, my lil online buddies. =] I love you guys. The whole bunch of you who I actually talk to an' actually talk back. Total of 5 there... but only 3 of you know about my recent suicide talk an' seem to care. I've taken it upon myself to shorten my MSN list even more. I now have 10. 3 of them haven't been on in furever so I don't wanna delete them just yet. They haven't had a chance to care. Unless they blocked me... but I don't see why they would since they seemed to be my good friends..

Today's rant: People again. That's right, more people hatin'. This time little kids. How so? I get to sit up in the front with the little children because I am not welcomed among the bus's high school community. I tried, I got my head bit off. I don't put myself purposely through hell anymore. Beleive me, I used to enjoy letting them scream at me 'cause they were mad. Now, I simply give up 'cause I see no point other than them interrupting my music.

Back to the lil kids. There is this one whom decides to sit with Shaddy on a regular basis. Shaddy doesn't like when people invade her space. Neither do the rest of the egos. The kid takes off her coat, throws it between us an' turns around to talk to a friend before we even leave the elementary school. While she is doin' so, she moves around a lot an' pushes me over farther an' farther. Eventually I get sick of scootin' over an' just take the hits. Then yet another kid decides to stare at me while stiil at the elementary school. I give her a glare an' she gives me a weird look then backs down into her seat. Then we move. YAY!!! The kid with me sits down, but practically on my lap. I scoot her over an' she scoots a bit closer. Since she's not on my lap anymore I don't mind. Finally a seat up front is free an' her an' her friend move up there to talk.

The torture is still not complete. No, everyday the torture is continued by bein' sexually harassed by a 14 year old idiot who knows me since he hangs out with my friends brother an' lives close. He plays this game he calls "sexy". What does this already bad game entail? A simple hug to start. I used to allow such hugs before I became wise to his intentions. While in the hug session, he usually tries to sneak a kiss on my cheek. No, it's still not over. While mid-way into the bus ride when I think I'm safe from 99% of predictable disasters, he decides to stroke my leg. I threaten to rip his "family jewels" off yet he continues. Today I had had enough of his shit. I attempted to kick him once, got his ass. Attempted yet another sweep, I failed. He then gets cocky an' goes for another stroke. I blow up. About as loud as I could I yelled "quit it or I'm gettin' a fuckin' knife when I get home an' I'm gonna kill you!!!" The bus driver finally interveins an' tells the kid to quit. It's sad when one must swear in front of the little kids to get the authorities attention. I know my old bus driver would have had more instinct. Not only that, but I had a shit load of respect on my other bus an' no one would have dared tempt me. I have scared a few kids on that bus an' those watchin' learned quick to not anger me.

Well, that's a nice long rant for ya. But here's some good news: I know I told most of you already but there is a good chance I may be gettin' a laptop. I'm tryin' not to get excited an' have my hopes up JIC it doesn't turn out. The rich girl I'm gettin' it from doesn't want to bother with it an' has a few more so doesn't want it. She has yet to ask her mtoher, which hopefully she does tonight. It seems like a 50-50 chance to me. Why not give it to me if you have a few others you actually like? Seriously, I need one! With a laptop/ computer of my own, I can obtain unlimited internet access through the internet provider NetZeor. For some reason I have a free subscription with them that was supposed to expire a month or so ago yet still works. I currently am usin' it on my friend's mom's computer since it has no internet an' I am sometimes forced to suffer with the slow-ass 56 MB of RAM it contains... Last night though I went through an' deleted all unneeded programs which seemed to speed it up significatly. I managed to kill the pixels an' color display somehow though so I must fix that... But who cares about that peice of shit? I'm gettin' a laptop!!! Calm, don't get yur hopes up 'cause you fail every time you do... LAPTOP!!!

~SGX

The Homecoming Dance

2006-10-08T14:31:00.000-05:00

All in all, it was Hell on a stick as I predicted. I had to come home an' pretend to be happy even though my only fun was provided by the PSP in which my friend let me borrow for the weekend. I got to talk to my bestest buddy for almost half of it, then he left me all alone. =[ So then I bothered another contact though I believe he was getting annoyed with my constant need for conversation.

The whole night, as predicted, I sat alone attempting to keep myself from crying in front of a bunch of people I don't know. 3 or 4 guys decided it would be funny to start shakin' their butts in my face. It was not funny. I managed to sock one of them in the balls with my not so dressed up foot. >:] I was wearin' my tennis shoes. No one picks on Shaddy anymore an' gets away with it! I fight back, I'm not as pathetic as before. So the basic jist of the night was 3.5 hours of internet, depressing songs goin' back an' forth, some repeating themselves.

And yet more bad news... I've just been informed of troubles here. Because of the fact that I failed to bring the ruler of this house her cinnamon rolls directly after they were finished, I have now been cut down to an hour and no time next weekend. One more thing from these ass holes an' I will grab the nearest knife and finish it before they can hurt me anymore. Life is not worth living if yur not allowed to be happy.

~SGX

A trip to "The Land of Depression"

2006-10-07T13:07:00.000-05:00

Seriously, if you hate miserable, whinny people, I suggest you don't read this. There is much selfish whinning involved here.

Well, the Homecoming game was last night. We lost, again, BTW. Everyone was hangin' out just fine. 'Cept it wasn't just fine 'cause I was consistantly being forgotten. They almost left the school without me to go to the game. That was step one. THEN they abandoned me once we got to the game. They said that they was gonna be right back 'cause they were getting food. They came back alright, after half an hour! I was actually interested in the game 'cause I lie football. One person stayed behind with me, but he ended up leavin' too 'cause he wasn't gonna wait anymore. I shoulda followed but I wanted to see how bad we got wupped before the half was over. It ended 0-21 at the half. A final score of 0-42. Our football team sucks at life as you can see. It's our defensive line. We need a better line to protect the ball an' kill the offenders. Wait, back to depression!

So today while I'm at the dance this is how it's gonna be:
1. My friends go off an' dance with their bf's an' gf's.
2. They will ignore me. I don't blame them, I'm no fun really. Too quiet an' even if I was noisy, no one wants to be bothered while dancin' with people they really like.
3. They will kiss. While doing so I will be watching. While watching I will also have my face planted in my best friend, the PSP, talkin' to the poor people who are on MSN at the time an' tryin' to hold back the tears. I'm currently plotting where I will hide in case of a shed tear or two.
4. I will walk around by myself getting food or a drink or just pacing in circles like I usually do 'cause there is nothin' to do on the PSP or the batteries died an' i failed to bring the charger.
5. They will finally notice me, try an' make me dance with some jack ass, make fun of my situation, bother me while I might be in a deep convo with the people on the PSP whom are lucky enough not to be blocked by the school yet, make out in front of me an' not care that it hurts to see them with what I need an' what they could care less if they had.

Why go you ask? I already bought the ticket an' it's a good chance to get online for 4 hours straight. I could sit here with my friend's idiot brother an' watch him play video games an' sneak away an' cry, but I'd rather cry in a dark corner all alone where no one cares or can see me than to cry out in the almost open where someone may find me an' wanna talk. I'm () <--- that close to suicide. I have no reason to live, really. I'm never gonna be good enough for the kinda guy I need. The ones who are that nice are taken or wouldn't give me a random glance on the street. It's just not worth livin' if I have to stay miserable like this. It's not fair. I just need a shoulder to cry on, it's not that much to ask for right? I just need to havea good cry with someone who really gives a fuck. Then it'll be okay 'cause I'll know I've got what I've always wanted, not just a great bf or future husband, but the best friend I could ever ask for. Someone who doesn't mind that I have emotions. Someone that won't mind all that cuddly, huggy, kissy shit. Someone to be there fior me an' who needs me to be there for them too. I love bein' needed. Makes me feel special or "useful". One can only dream, an' I do. Every day I have this person in my head who is exactly what I need an' he's always there. He'd never hurt me or be mad if I was upset an' needed to talk at 3 AM. He'd just comfort me an' tell me it's okay an' we'd hang up an' I could fall asleep. He could call me at 3 AM too, I'd live to think he doesn't mind sharin' his feelings. An' he does, he shares. We share everything...

Well, I best go back into my brain an' feed off what is non-existant. I think my head hurts right now but I'm not sure. In a few hours we leave for Hell, also known as the Homecoming Dance. I will be miserable, but I hope to be kept somewhat sane by my little buddies on MSN an' my in-head lover. Good bye for now Mr. Bloggy. You've been a dear.

~SGX

MORE shitty people...

2006-10-05T15:47:00.000-05:00

Just gotta vent so go away if you don't like depression.

Well, today we was on the bus to the college again. The ride there was nice an' peaceful, then the ride home was hell in a big, yellow cage. The first few minutes were fine. Then the kids from welding class decide to take out their tape measures and bother the people around them. No, I wasn't a victim... yet. The idiot who happened to be beside me had a pop. He drank his pop. He threw his bottle in the back. The person who retained the bottle decided to throw it at me. Twice. Next, the cap. Three times. I finally managed to keep the cap in my hair long enough to retrieve it so as to prevent more torture.

This is why a gal wants to kill herself, no one gives a fuck about 'er. The only place I feel loved is online yet no one lets me stay here. So, I lie to get here, I try my damndest to get here, I throw it all away to stay where I am welcomed (even if yur all fakers). The suicidle 14-16 year old in me is still there, yet not as much since I found my home online. I thank the few of you out there who actually take the time to ask "how was yur day Shad?" an' actually want to talk to me. You've done more than you think.

~SGX

More idiots for me... -_-

2006-10-03T17:19:00.000-05:00

Basics first. I am forced to retake gym this year due to the fact that I failed it my sophomore year. Most people take it their freshman year, but being homeschooled during that time, I couldn't take it then. When I originally took it people were passing the phrase "freshmore" as to imply I failed my freshman year. Sorry kiddos but no, I wasn't dumb then as I am now. Lord only knows why gym is required in the first place...

Now in my second year of gym. Luckily they are only making me retake a semester, since I did pass the last semester in 10th. There is one particular child whom likes to follow me around during warm-ups and the actualy activity if he can. I made the horrid mistake of paring up with him during Ultimate Frisbee throw practice. not like I had a choice, everyone in that class either hatee me, didn't know me an' pared with friends, or I hated them. From that point on he followed me around like a dog, a very annoying one at that. While we walk around the court as directed, he walks backwards while in front of me. He then points out everything around me like I need another set of eyes or a brain (or that I give a fuck). He purposely steps in front of me to get in the way. Usually I throw a threat or two in his direction and even curl up my fingers so as to slice him when he gets back into range. I also mention that there is a lovely sexual harassment policy and I can simply tell Mr. Gym Teacher that he's annoyin' me an' I feel harasssed, which is all true.

More idiots to come. My new family and I live in a lovely and friendly, to a point, neighborhood. Quiet, suttle, yet evil. Most of the kids in this area know the rest of the kids and they all "hang out". One of these such kids is a very touchy, feely kinda guy. I DO NOT like strange kids touching me. Not only is there a hug demanded every day, but he often attempts and succeeds to slip a kiss in there. Oh, it's not like I'm the only one he's ever done this to, but I'm the only victim currently. I've kicked him in his happy place once an' I regularly am forced to threaten to do so again. The first time was a true accident, the next time won't be.

That's all the listable idiots. The rest just come in a package entitled "School's general shit load". I just had to vent so I made time for Mr. Bloggy today. ^^ I feel so much better... I'll feel better tomorrow after harming those two mortally. >:)

~SGX

It's been a while...

2006-09-30T15:31:00.000-05:00

Why hello there Mr. Blog! I missed you. Did you have fun without Shaddy here to post on you? =[ You missed me too??? Aww...

On to a bit of normalicy. The reason for my absense is simple; my new family chooses to spite me as the other did. How so you may ask? Well, those of you whom I have regular conversations with on MSN already know about the new time limit. This new limit ensures I am not allowed online during the week. It also limits me to the same basic two hours, not even guaranteed, on weekends. However, I have been able to do a few things at Computer Tech class, yet I've not had the time for Mr. Bloggy. =[ A little catch up time is in your future...

Well, I don't really know where to start. I've been sick for the past few days, a simple allergy cold I get this time of year, every year. I never get sick any other time, only now. My new people are paranoid that I'll get sicker an' refuse to come get me if I need to get home. They hate that I hate coats.

Oh! More depression for me! My friend just got herself a new bf. Again, she gets it all. She's only 15 an' she beats me, not in numbers (yet) but in quality (meaning all offline an' here to help her sanity, which is in full tact might I add). >~< I'm just a tad bit frustrated... She doesn't even want them an' I do, yet they don't fall at my feet. Where are you all? Don't you love me??? COME ON! I'm a tiny bit loveable right? =] If not, I can be, just gimme a chance! Did that seem depserate? If you want me to I won't be anymore. Pwease? Nevermind... I'm not "worth it" as one such male has described me as. You know who you are... Don't look at me like that... -_- I'm just goin' nutso okay? Shh!!!

To top that all off, this new family of mine is gettin' really pissy an' is threatening to kick me out. That's not cool. Then what, I go live with my almost gay guy-friend who thinks I like him? I swear to God, this kid is one step away from homosexuality. That's not cool either. The only reason I'd live with him is for his computer. Usin' him? Precisely. >:} But what is one to do? Even if I wanted to though, I can't until his uncles move out which won't be anytime soon. =[

As you may have seen, I used many emotes here today. I hope you've all enjoyed this lovely update into the eyes of SGX. Thank you for participating an' have a wonderful day. ^^

~SGX

Renaissance Festival

2006-09-17T16:28:00.000-05:00

Well, it was not as bad as I had predicted. I was thinking it was more like a county fair. I had no idea of all the (expensive) food, the (expensive) cool stuff, and the hilarious, yet a bit adult, shows. It was a lot more than I had expected. Next time I go, if ever, I plan to bring a couple hundred at least so as to purchase some food. I was poor this time so I couldn't even buy food... It was torture...

Shortest post ever. Yay.

~SGX

Ride with me to the land of computers!!!

2006-09-15T15:42:00.000-05:00

On this journey you will ride a giant yellow vehicle that contains too many kids. These kids will squish you 3 in a seat whilst dripping things in your hair. They may also make crude remarks towards each other. I can guarantee you will over hear a conversation pertaining to the sex lives of many of the teenage girls. If your interested to know how many guys a gal named Savanna has slept with, please leave a message. Even if you have a CD player equipped, which I do, and on full blast, you can still clearly hear the whinning of the nearest preppy bitch because it's too windy on the bus and it will mess up her hair.

Once you get to the glorious land of computers, my computer tech class you may have heard of from previous posts, you will have to trail all the way across the college and down 2 flights of stairs in order to finally arive at your destination. Once you enter the room, almost directly in front of the stairs, you will find your seat. Shortly after, you get to write in your journal about today's odd topic, which is always fun. (I'm not being sarcastic here, like much of the rest of this was.) Then you get to read from a textbook, well, discuss the chapter and go off into other random stories which I love the best.

Finally, after all that other excessive "talk", you get to do a project on the computer! Is that not the essence of the whole ride in Hell? It makes it all feel better once your fingers tap the keyboard and your hand reaches for that mouse... Only problem is, you've just entered the land of Linux: Operating System That SUX in Comparison to Windows!!! Yet, you ignore that small yet somehow important factor when you click Mozilla Firefox and explore the wonders of the internet doing what you do best, nothing constructive.

This has been a story in the life of SGX.

~SGX

So cold...

2006-09-10T17:02:00.000-05:00

For some odd reason it's only like 10 degrees here in Michigan. It's still summer people!!! My fingers is frozen an' I'm cold. Me, I'm cold. I don't get cold! I'm the idiot who hasn't worn a coat in 4 friggin' years an' I'm cold? WTF?!?!

On top of that, my emotions are all in a fuzz. See, I need a hug. Just a big hug. a real one, not a virtual one. no one can see that though. It's as though all they think they can do to "fix" me is send me to a shrink... Fuck them I say. I'm sick of bein' analyzed constantly. That's not what I need, I need attention. Positive attention. I also need to un-freeze my poor lil fingers 'cause they hurt while typin' here... People don't want to help you if they see it's gonna be a lot of work. Chickens. What's so wrong with a goddamned hug once in a while? I'm not posionous! I'm not smelly either. I have a rather nice scnet if I do say so myself. Sure I might cry my eyes out but that's not the point. I need to cry my eyes out an' a decent hug might help to annitiate it. Doubt I spelled that right... But I dun care no more.

Maybe it's a psychological thing, the coldness. Maybe I'm cold 'cause I know there is nothin' around me to "warm me up". Analogies anger me... Damn you analogetic mind of mine! Gotta give an analogy to every flibbin' thing... I think the compy is cold too. I must type slow 'cause it's sloth-like movements do not allow for my frozen yet quick movements to be processed. Good day to you all.

~SGX

Adventures through Michigan!

2006-09-09T19:04:00.000-05:00

Okay, so not all of Michigan but no one asked you. -_-

We was goin' fur a drive today, just for the "fun" of it. We explored most of this county, then somehow ended up in Standish, then got lost or "misplaced" as my new mummy likes to call it. We wipped out the ol' map an' got back on track. This is why I have a CD player an' Game Boy; for things like this. On top of that, they was playin' gay ass punk rock. I hate punk rock. It sux an' I hate it. Did I mention I hate punk rock? No? I do. With a passion. Less than country or rap, but I hate punk rock. Punk rock sux. I hate it.

Anyhow, by the time we returned home it was 4:30 PM an' we had left at around noon. Yeah, 4 or so hours in a car with punk rock, little food, thank god I had an MDX, an' cigarette smoke in my face. My throat it burns! My nose was gonna bleed too if I didn't get free soon. I wasn't able to get online until about 7 'cause my friend's bro had to write a report. Then I had to edit it for him 'cause he's stupid, then he left so I printed an' saved it for him, then the compy restarted on me, then I had to fix a virus, then MSN flipped out on me an' now I'm here after a long day of "I wish everything would fuck off an' die in a hole away from the hole I plan to die in".

Do not worry world, I love you too.

~SGX

The first day of school

2006-09-05T15:42:00.000-05:00

It started with Intensive Vocab. He gave us a list to go through. I was lost.

Next was Gym. We got our excercise spots. Yay.

Then was Psychology 1. We learned about genetic crap an' got a book. I have to read from it. So exciting...

Then Art 4. We wrote out a contract an' I cheated the system. xD Normally, he doesn't allow you to repeat projects you did earlier in the year, so instead of doin' a couple smaller projects, I will do one huge one that takes up the markin' period. ^^

Then I got to go home 2 hours early 'cause my college class got cancelled for the day. It's a computer tech class at the local community college.

Overall, it was fine. I'm gonna cry now. Why? 'Cause it's a free fuckin' country an' I can!!!

~SGX

10 reasons why I stopped goin' to church:

2006-09-03T17:36:00.000-05:00

1. I feel so out of place it ain't even funny. Well, they get a kick out of me...

2. I have nothin' in common with any christain children. Not one! In fact, they drive me insane. So goody goody I wanna scream.

3. I'm too lazy an' tired to wake up at 8 AM to go to a place that has all of the above.

4. God an' I talk enough as it is, mostly argumentory, which is not a word.

5. I dun like bein' forced into things an' people always force me to go to church.

6. I have yet to find a church that is not full of preppy, clique lovin' fags. Sorry... "people I do not like". We shall be nice in this post.

7. This is a dumb reason but I wanna make it to 10: Most lack in good snacks. Occasionally they have a good cookie or 2, but I never make it in time for one...

8. I can't stay awake because of the sheer boredom an' lack of sleep.

9. I have too much on my mind to have the slightest interest in constant singin' an' standin' with a bunch of songs that get on my nerves!!!

10. No one at any of the churches seem to give a rip. They just shake my hand, say "Hi! Welcome to blah blah blah! Good to have you on this lovely morning!", an' go one to the next person. None take the time to discover the "un-holiness" within me. It would scare them, so it's probably good they don't. xD

Well, that would be all. I wanted to say the "f" word so bad, but I'm gonna behave for this one. If you miss the swearin', next post. ^^

~SGX

A borin' day of nothin'...

2006-08-31T19:58:00.000-05:00

All I did was wake up, watch Judging Amy with my favorite new grandma, an' go to a bunch of yard & garage sales. I got a new bed/ sofa deally though. The best part of the day was tryin' to get the carnsarnded thing in the "metal box" I reside in at night. We ended up havin' to shove it in the window after dismantling the glass an' screen. I got high on 2 MDX's, an' got $7, %4 of which went to buyin' the bed/ sofa. I get to sleep on it tonight, but it smells kinda bad bein' that it sat out an' has a few stains. I don't trust the stains... almost as much as I don't trust coats. You know those things have smothered people to the point of death? I haven't worn one in 4 years. ^^ Imagine it, 4 years in Michigan's not-so-predictable weather patterns, most of which are cold even in early Summer, no coat. It's not so bad. i've gained an immunity to the cold. People ask me what the hell is wrong with me. I simply smile an' say "coats scare me". Then they look awkwardly at me as though I'm crazy (in which I am) an' I walk off. How the heck did this even come up... Oh right, fears. Other than that I'm only scared of bees. Stains, coats an' bees. I like ghosts. I've always wanted to stay the night in a haunted house... This leads to another tale!

I was watchin' "In..." I dun 'member the name of the show now. Point bein', I saw this show about Ohio University. It's haunted. >:) Know where I wanna go to college? That's right, Ohio University. ^^ Just to experience the paranormal activity. Screw learnin', I'll take my basic classes there, then transfer to a different college that has the classes an' courses I want. Believe it or not, I am a christain, but that doesn't mean I'm not interensted in ghost-like bein's. Makes me even more curious.

That was an odd post if I do say so myself. It asn't s'posed to be so interestin'... Well, you got more than I bargained for. Good day folks.

~SGX

An' it got worse...

2006-08-28T14:06:00.000-05:00

As I stated in the last post about my addiction to MDX; I suffered for nothing it seems. Leter on in the day they decided to go to the store for cigarettes. -_- so I have blisters on my feet an' am suffering endlessly for my lack of patience. This goes to show that the statement "patience is virtue" can save you one hell of a time.

~SGX

You know something is wrong when you find yurself hitting on pop bottles...

2006-08-27T20:51:00.000-05:00

Primarily Diet Pepsi an' MDX, but they all do fine. xD But seriously, I have actually scared people with this. I flirt with a lot of things really, pop bottles are just more conveinient. It's sad that I get so desperate an' got nothin' to hit on but inatimate objects. They can't tell me to shut up. Not that the world needs me hittin' on it, but it proves how much I need a guy. It's not so fun when the objects don't flirt back. I did hit on an MSN auto message once. That ws fun 'cause every few seconds it'd pop up an' say "I'm in my bed". xD At least it responded well. You can only imagine what the person who's auto message it belonged to thought when they returned. I told him to go away an' leave me an' auto alone. Then he just signed out an' killed my fun...

Okay, somethin' less nuts. Here is proff of how addicted I now am to MDX; I went on a 6 mile long walk just to get up to the local corner store just so I could buy 6 of them, 2 of which I dissolved tonight. It truly was not worth it. Many of you may say "6 miles ain't nothin' but cake on a chilly blue mornin'", but for someone who doesn't go out much an' doesn't like to be physically active, it's damn hard. Not to mention my shoes decided to eat the backs of my feet. I couldn't find any socks!!! About half way there, I took off my shoes an' walked barefoot on the side of the highway. I was prayin' for someone to run me over to put me out of my misery. My wishes never come true... On the way back I looked like a dork 'cause I had one shoe on an' the other in my bag of drugs (MDX). When we got to the dirt road on which I now live I was forced to put both shoes on. Here is the damage: Left foot- One giant blister. Right foot- 3 smaller blisters casually placed, along with the back of my foot torn from the shoe. Fun no? Yes, laugh at my pain 'cause I know you are. Dumbasses... We got steak tonight though. ^^ Made it all better...Dem suckers was big. We were only allowed half at a time, but I ended up consuming about 2 total. xD

Update on the last post: My lovely friend was forced to apologize. She also got into other trouble, but I won't be mean an' disclose that info.

Me buddy, her brother, an' her cousin all go back to school tomorrow (Monday). Since it's a private christian school, they aren't governed by the shit laws Mrs. Granholm decided to enact. Which one do I complain about? She decided it was okay to make us not go back to school until after Labor Day, which means I go back next Tuesday. Yay... One would think this is a good thing, but my school woulda started around August 21st, my b-day, an' we rarely ever use snowdays which alllows usd to get out of school at least 2 weeks before the rest of the state. But oh no, Granholm goes an' fucks it up. She is so not gettin' my vote... If I remember to vote. O.o

~SGX

NEVER live with a friend!!! >.<

2006-08-26T18:38:00.000-05:00

If you've been keepin' up with my last few posts, you will know I moved in with my friend a few weeks ago. The lady is drivin' me nuts! How so? I have yet to un-pack my boxes an' we share a room see. My boxes just happen to be by where she made herself a comfy lil bed. She is on the phone. I waltz in to get into my boxes to retrieve my PS2 games an' memory cards. She flips out at me an' tells me to get out of her room. It's my goddamned room too! So then I tell her to shut the fuck up, she says no an' tells me to shut up. I tell her the classic "make me", she shuts up. Then I say "I thought so" an' she goes with the "shut up" again. Can ya guess what I said? Yeah, "make me". Again, silence. Then she tells her lil phone buddy I'm bein' an' idiot an' we bitch about that for a bit, then the whole "shut up", "make me" crap again. Eventually, I find my memory cards an' games amongst my boxes an' step on her pillows, not on purpose might I add, an' she then again flips out. I call her a ho an' tell her to shut the fuck up again, then the whole "shut up", "make me" continues for 3 rounds. I grab my stuff up, since I dropped most of it in the quarrel, and leave. Her grammy plans to have a lil talksee with her later. xD

It's amazing, but I get along with her brother more than her. It only proves what I've been sayin' to myself the last few years; I don't get along with girls very well. I always seem to piss them off. On top of that, I don't know any electronicly-obsessed gals, like myself, to hang with. I usually find myself hangin' with the guys. Guys can stand me a lot more too 'cause not many of them are so opinionated. But then on the other hand, men have hurt me more since I get attached to them. Now what am I s'posed to do with that? I'm loveable, but only to a point. Girls hate me, guys learn to. I'd say to watch what I say an' I'd be okay but I'm too opinionated to shut up when needed. It may get me into lots o' trouble, but people always know where I stand with things. I'm the most honest person one can meet, but apparently people aren't into honesty anymore. Doesn't make sense to me. I've asked people to be blunt with me, but I get the feelin' they're all to scared I'm gonna be hurt. I'd rather find out now than to have someone else come to me an' tell me, or hear it later. Makes it much easier to deal with if I know up-front how people feel, 'cause I know what to do with the info. But hey, people suck.

~SGX

News a day late from the b-day episode.

2006-08-21T17:56:00.000-05:00

It wasn't as bad as I predicted. My mom did try to argue, but I tuned her out with my music. I got 2 new CD's, but failed to find an AR for my buddy. I'm gonna have to search more or order online. Maybe I can special order it. I got high on 3 Mountain Dews, one of which was MDX. I'm addicted to MDX... O.o

Here is a song that spoke to my inner self. Got the CD for my b-day an' it was damn hard to find. It's by Lacuna Coil, the best group on the friggin' planet...

~All I wanted,
all I needed,
is you in my arms.
Words are very unnecessary.
They can only do harm...

Enjoy the silence...~

Lacuna Coil
Enjoy the Silence
Karmacode

It's a fantastic song really. You'd have to hear it to love it as much as me. Plus, you'd have to have a lot of mental problems an' a busted up heart... I don't wish it on any of you. Perhaps you'd like the beat though. ^^

~SGX

Tomorrow = b-day from Hell...

2006-08-20T17:34:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow I get to spend the whole lovely day with my lovely mother. That was all sarcasim for those of you who aren't so bright. xD I'm supposed to get $50 for my b-day, which will be the only good part unless she buys me lunch. Mmmmmm..... foooood..... But I already have very un-selfish plans for my cash. My buddy needs an AR an' he can't get one. So, as a token of freind ship, I shall get one for him. I'm also gonna get him some Mountain Dew an' all of its affiliates 'cause it's the best drink EVER an' he can't buy it in his country. Bad part is, I dunno if the almost $60 I will have in totalt will be enough. Ya figure about $32 for the AR + tax, then the almost $2 for an MDX, then 3 flavors of Mountain Dew; Live Wire, Code Red, and regular. Forget diet... Then perhaps Sierra Mist too. That's another almost $7, including MDX.That's almost $40. Then shipping. That's what will be the killer 'cause they judge by weight an' size an' all of that will weigh alot, plus where it needs to go. I might be able to afford a candy bar for me. O.o

I shall give the update when I return to my new home tomorrow.

~SGX

I think I figured out a pattern of my life.

2006-08-18T15:35:00.000-05:00

What is this lovely pattern I speak of? Men. How so? They suck. How so again? Constant betrayal by the ones I trust most. First, we have my father. I'm not gonna go into any details here, but I was his lil princess until he got out of the Navy an' we moved to Michigan. Somehow he turned dark an' decided he ddin't like me anymore. Again, no details. The next were my cousins, to whom we didn't spend much time with until we moved here. My favorite male cousin decided he liked me a bit too much. Luckily, I wasn't too young so I had an idea somethin' was wrong before somethin' bad actually happened. Next, my favorite uncle. I'd always run up an' give him a hug. Then, he decides he doesn't like 'my attitude", so he treats me like dirt. Now we head to the most recent disasters, boyfriends. It's only the last 2 who have demolished my sanity. Idjit 2 & 3 both decided they love me, then idjit 2 lets go for the reason of "distance", because apparently he does not wish to work hard at relationships. good luck to him findin' an easy girl. Idjit 3 was s'posed to help me break off from idjit 2. The first thing he tells me is he loves me an' will do anythin' I tell him. I tell him he better take it back 'cause I take that shit seriously. He doesn't, so I do. Well, you can guess how that ended eh? I found out he lied to me about a bunch of things, which is one of the few things I told him never to do to me, then I confronted him about it an' he said I wasn't worth it. Not worth it. Know how much that fucks up a psycho person like me's brain? Really bad if you don't know. So what do I do? I go into yet another suicidle depression.

Now here I am tryin' to find yet another idjit to fix me but I should know that all men will ever be to me is a pain in the ass an' I need to fix myself. It's only the men closest to me that fuck me up. I really don't understand why, I've got so much love to give, but no one seems to want it all until it's conveinient. I might as well give up on life now. 30 is too long for me to wait. But, I shall be strong regardless of the scum in this world. Perhaps there is a guy out there that wants my love an' will love me back just as much. I'm still convinced God ate my other half but we shall see...

~SGX

A happy day with my ex-family...

2006-08-10T17:14:00.000-05:00

I forget where I left off an' I'm too lazy to check it out now. Okay, basic jist of the last one I think was that I'm so excited to be free. Today I went with my ex-family for a family picture. The dog got to be in it but not the kitty. It's totally wrong... So we did our thing. They take me back to my ex-house so they can perdy me up for the pic, an' my brother has one of my PS2 games's disks. So I go into his room to ask him for it. He has his friends over. They scream like I'm the worst thing they ever saw. Funny thing about this whole situation, they all put on happy faces for me an' acted like they missed me. Bull. They are the ones who let me go. But I'm happier here an' that's all that counts. ^^

Lest the happy shall be faded. That made no sense but you all get the point. How shall the happy zone be disrupted now? A family reunion with my new family. We get to go down state, to Detroit. It's actually just outside of Detroit but hey, no one asked you okay? Now, the only problem with this event is the fact that it's gonna cut out my Friday, Saturday, an' Sunday. That's 3 days, no internet. I'd stay but I'd have to put up a fuss an' I don't want to alienate this family too. So, this shall be my formal goodbye to my lovely peoples. Of course I remembered to tell some, others will have to find out this way...

~SGX

I'm free at last!!!

2006-08-06T20:45:00.000-05:00

You never know how happy you can be until you get one of the things you really want. Today I got it, 3 weeks early. I got freed from the binding chains of my "family". Most people are close to their families, others can deal. I could do neither. I was originally supposed to leave my home on my b-day, August 21st, but I couldn't take it anymore an' got out early.

More to come tomorrow. I dun wanna over use the comp. I can't let these people hate me too.

~SGX

Yet another cat... dead...

2006-07-17T11:15:00.000-05:00

Well, to add to my shitty life, I have lost another cat. I believe this is a curse, set by my favorite cat dying on the day of 3-14-05. We then got 3 more cats; Spirit, Demon, and Shadow. First to die off; Spirit. I watched her starve herself to death and saw her stiff little corpse before we buried it. Next to go; Demon. This is by far the worst. I watched him spin around in circles an' bleed to death after being ran over, the same way Blaze (my favorite cat) died. Yet I never watched her die. I simply heard what my brother said after coming down our driveway on the way to school. He said he saw a lot of blood in the driveway but I never thought it would've been Blaze. She was a smart little beast indeed, she wouldn't have stayed in the way of the killer car wheel. Yet when I come home after a crappy day at school, my father tells me he found Blaze screaming an' tried to save her but failed. This... was probably the worst day of my life. Why? It's just a cat right? No. blaze was my best friend. She was all I had to talk to. No one else could sit on my lap an' purr. No one else would sit there an' listen to my daily traumas. No one else would let me cry on their fur.

I must explain how I feel it is a curse. We had 2 kittens; one being Blaze, the other Ash, Blaze's sister. A few months later, a male cat come along who we called Jager after a Zoid. Ash runs away, Jager follows after not too much longer, then Blaze sticks around another couple of years. We bonded like super glue on plastic. Then, she gets run over. My dad asks if I want to replace Blaze with more kittens. I refuse the offer because I wasn't up to "letting go". Finally, after almost a year of greiving, I choose to take 3 cats from my friend. They weren't the healthiest beasts, but they were still cuddly. So my mom takes them to get their shots, an' they get sick. Spirit starves herself to death. Demon, up to the day he died, had a horrible cold. (Keep in mind this is long aftert the shots too.) The vet said it was natural for them to become sick like that. So I waited for them to heal, yet the only one who did is Shadow. Even she still sneezes, but it's not like the other two did. Now, as the last surviving kitten, Shadow has become my little lap buddy as Blaze did. Perhaps Blaze intended to make sure that only one kitty could occupy me. Demon was a jealous kitty, Spirit was just... there yet she was my favorite. Demon was the second favorite, and now Shadow. I'm simply waiting for the horrors to escalate to the point of Shadow dying in my lap.

Well, call it paranoia if you must, but it's more to me than that, being that I have nothin' else but my cats. Shadow only has to last one more month, when I move out. I am not allowed to take her, an' even if I was my friends dogs would have a furry lunch. I wish that it was not this way, that I had a close friend (offline) that could somewhat understand me. My female friend has too many problems of her own to be concerned with what I may have to say. My male friend is too "wild" to care either, so I'm stuck in my own head with my kittens an' alter egos. Yes, alter egos. They always listen, not that they have a choice in the matter. But unlike cats, they talk back an' provide advice, that I rarely take. There are so many of them though, it becomes confusing to a point. So I often ignore the screaming in my head and proceed to situations as one with no screaming in mind would do. Not always the best choice yet it is so hard to figure which opinion to honor...

If you read the last post, you may be wondering how the hell I am online when I said I would not be. My mother was nice enough to let me online at the library when she went to get some books. So, here I am, typing about my poor lil kitty Demon an' my lousy alter egos who wont shut up already. Anyways, I doubt I will make it again until the day I said I would be on, but I can only try...

~SGX

Last day online...

2006-07-10T20:26:00.000-05:00

Well, it is officially my last day online. It's sad really, I will miss those I leave behind. It's not technically my last day forever, just for a month or so. See, my mom thinks everyone online is a 40 year old rapist, therefore forbids me from havin' anythin' to do with those across a phone line. I'm not stupid, I don't give out my info, an' so far the best people have gotten from my IP adress is the location of the internet provider. NetZero is gonna get raped!!! Eh... who cares, the connection sucks you know what. I have had a proper farewell with those I'm in contact with except for a couple people. Those of which are in the UK, do not have MSN, plus stupid brainless me forgot to email them... The others... I dunno, they can read can't they? Some may not like bein' bothered all the time. I can be quite annoying.

Regardless, I plan to return to my online life ASAP. Soonest? One month when my mom kicks me out. 'Tis the day I turn 18, an' she's fed up with me. She's not the kind to compromise so I rebel! It's not so much to ask for a little play time online is it? No one's gonna want to rape this mom! I move in with my friend and her mother has said she will allow me time online, problem is, they have no internet. So, I will have to pay for it, by then perhaps I will have a job, which I will have gotten with help from my friend's mom. Dang... These people rule! Why did God hate me enough to put me in this family? Why couldn't my birth mother do more pot an' kill me? These are all fair yet never answered questions as I move on in life.

It is perhaps grand that I am to no longer be online, it has caused me a lot of heartache an' I should really avoid it. Yet I can't, because of the simple fact it is all I have. Farewell my lovely online house, may you not become lonely without me... =[ You shall be missed...

~SGX

Bored...

2006-07-09T20:53:00.001-05:00

The boredom is sweeping in! I don't like it one bit either. La..... Well, what happened today... Nothin' really. I don't go out. There was a thunder storm, I'm on the computer, obviously, oh! Tomorrow is my last official day of online 24/ 7. It's gonna suck. I'm gonna be all alone with my video games that I have beaten a million times over. I could go back to my life of solitude an' draw to death, but that's no fun either. I need to get out, get a job, be somethin', then I won't need the online life, it'll just be a fun passtime like it should be in the first place. I can't help if I'm only loved among those around the world. No one around here would give me a decent chance worht hell. Either that or they're too afraid to. No holdin' back. I think though I shall be forced forever to date online. It's a tragedy, but the only decent men are the ones who spend hours online a day. Yet the good ones still do not come. Well, none that I don't scare off with my need for attachment. Guys don't like it when a gal gets serious right off the bat, unless they're lookin' for the same thing, a deep relationship.

Sometimes I think I should be a psycologist. I don't take my own advice though, which is dumb. I really should... Then I'd never get hurt an' I'd always be happy.

Speakin' of happy, I got on MSN today an flipped through the BG's. OMG... this one called pixies er somethin' of that sort, holy crap it's nice... I swear to you... it's like a friggin' miracle drug. It's so shiny an' it... well, it's there... wow... I've been starin' at it for the past half an hour an' I'm so calm it's like I'm off in another land er somethin'... Try it, it'll posess you too... I should be upset, but I'm not... wow... Okay, best stop lookin' at it an' typin' in this thing... See ya.......

~SGX

Officially "banned".

2006-07-08T20:56:00.000-05:00

Well, it took the ass-hole long enough to ban me. He did it however. So now, all I have is Net Battle, the bit of Gaia an' Neopets, an' this lovely place. Damn him. Who does he think he is? He just loves to ban people, but I'll be back, once school starts I'll be back. He forgets how many IP's I have. Hehe... No one cuts out SGX! EVER!!! O.o Calm... Ass wipe... But hey, perhaps it's for the best no? Maybe I need to let go of that place, everyone I know there (that matters) I see on MSN and/ or email them. He's just happy there is only a couple people there now who might be considered "popular". He's in the process of tryin' to de-admin one of them too. Yes, but I'm not gonna let him get away with that. If he does somehow manage to ban the other admin, I'll personally have a talk with the top admins an' say I asked him to do these things for me as a favor an' he did. He's a good pal, I can't let him suffer 'cause of me. Now I'm officially bored so... I dunno what I'm gonna do. I'd like to send him hate mail... oh wait, his My Space! HA! I know someone who has that! hehe... >:) Death be to him!!! Wanna know somethin' funny? It's pink! That's right! PINK! lmfao... Some man he is... Men an' pink do not go good, I'm sorry, they just don't. Eh... I best stop before I get nasty. ^^

~SGX

Oddness to the maximum...

2006-07-07T20:58:00.000-05:00

There is an odd happening goin' on on the site that I partially un-joined. Yet another hackin' inccident has occured. I swear, people are always gettin' hacked on that place, or usin' it as an excuse. Most have been proven to be true, but it's still odd. So many people wish to be at war with this site; there are spies, hackers, just yur normal spammers an' flammers an' those of us who like to pick fights 'cause it's fun. It's a damn good site, people just can't appriciate it.

I blame all of this on one person there, he's a new admin, but he doesn't deserve it. Not like the other two new admins do. This guy simply sucked up to the main two admins an' went from mod, to super mod, to admin in a short time. At this same time, the progress an' interest of the site has been dwindling to nothing. I personally vote a de-admin. But hey, no one on that site ever listens to me, even when I have been right. After I was proven right, it was as though I said nothing. -_- What, just because I'm (was) a plain ol' mod I know nothing? Ha! I know more than that admin does, for sure. He's threatened to ban me as well. If he does, dunno what I'm gonna do but this thing an' Net Battle. I still go to Gaia an' Neopets every so often too.

Dunno... Even though I don't go to the site much anymore, I still care about it so I've been doin' some investigatin' myself on the latest problem. I found a lot, who has been to this hackers site, his My Space, two banned members who could be in on this war. Apparently it's all banned members of the site who decided to do this, an' oddly enough, the leader of the other site is indeed one of the banned members. It's odd really, it just doesn't fit together well. This calls for more investigation!

~SGX

O.o

2006-07-06T19:39:00.000-05:00

Eh... This is my first bloggy thing so uh... hi? O.o Well, the entire reason I'm even doin' one o' these deallies is 'cause I dropped a forum I liked 'cause it went an' got gay, plus it hurt like hell to be there. Probably not wise for me to be here either, but I am. The whole idear was to detach from the online world, yet I cannot. I have too many friends online now that would miss me an' it's not fair to them if I go. Plus, I know I'd start to miss them even more. I never knew half of the people on my MSN gave a shit until I said I was goin' an' they OU'ed the cryin' smiley. T-T

I've got too much heart for one person... It breaks too easy. That's a whole nother story... damn heart... Men are ass, all I got to say 'bout that. Well, okay, some are great, but it seems I've dated the shit heads. I need a decent one who ain't gonna say "I love you" until they actually mean it 'cause then I go an' get attached an' it's for nothin'. I ain't got much to give a guy but my heart so I tend to give too much of it. They pretend like everythin' is okay an' fine until one lil fight comes up an' it's over. Is that love? NO! The strongest loves are made by a few fueds, a few tears, many hugs. That is the bonding. You learn to live with someone because you do care about them an' wanna see them happy. ^^

Hence my mistake of lovin' the wrong man. Wanna here a sad story? You wanna read this then, 'cause it's sad, but at the same time pisses you off. Okay, it all started when my ex decides to come back a bit early from his home makin' process of in the lands of West Virginia. Unfortunately for him, I still had very strong feelings for him. I was discussin' this with one of my, then dear, friends, who was also a good friend of his. We talked an' made it all mushy an' crap then she pulls somethin' out about how she knows somethin' good about him but can't tell me. So, bein' the curious idiot I am, I beg her to tell me. I tell her I have a pic of him an' she doesn't know what he looks like. (BTW, this is all online. I'm stuck with online crap...) She then says she'll tell me if I show her the pic. So, bein' the dumbass I am, I showed her by puttin' it on my display pic on MSN. She then tells me some cheesy shit I already know, an' she knew I knew it. Then, she accuses me of not bein' a loyal friend an' betrayin' him, which I guess I did but it was a trick, a trick to make me betray him. So at this point we're arguin' 'cause she's gonna tell him that I showed her the pic which I wasn't s'posed to do. I go to email him an' tell him too. The next day I get on an' he tells me he hates me... Crushed by the man you love... not fun. So now, we're in the process of sendin' hate mail back an' forth.

Funny to go along with the sad, well, sorta funny: Now they have both decided that they want to be "great friends" again. HA!!! Funny... real funny... I laugh at their idiocy. If I let myself for one second think in a good way about either of them, I'll get attached all over again an' it won't be perdy. It'll just be settin' up for more pain an' it ain't happenin'. There are only a select few I shall allow myself to remain attached to. I'm sick of cryin' but not feelin' anyone there to make it better. No one gives a rip, an' those few who do don't understand me. The one person I thought could, an' he did for the best months of my life, now hates me. Hehe... Guess I sorta have all this comin' though. It goes without sayin' that I'm not worth it, although my last bf did say it. Long distance sucks, but it can be worked thoruh, some guys just aren't willin' to work. I can be a good girl, I'm really nice when I feel secure an' somewhat happy. Dunno what to do though 'cause it's not just my fault, I simply need a guy who can understand my pain an' will respect my limits.

Dayum, we really need some funny up in here eh? Okay, time for random! This crap is funny, so I've been told. I've cheered a few minds with these random quotes of crazy. On with the show, 'cause it even cheers me up a bit. ^^ (<--- Best emoticon ever!) Ahem...: Why is the ray of a horse always in a chew box? Can it see the cold of a dogs feet? Does a shaver ever ask why does the camera doesn't flash? Why should you ask if yur puppy ran away? It was obviously eaten by a screwdriver. One would not think of a candy bar to be dissolving on a moving truck. The cat meows at me so I must stop. O.o Oh, an' if anyone can help me figure this template thing out, I'd be very grateful. ^^

~SGX